The thaw. thoughts on the time between seasons and change

by Evelyn Logan

Just when you think that you cannot stand another snow filled sidewalk or send another text with cold and slow fingers, the winter breaks and the thaw begins. Unfortunately at this time I’m writing to you from the other side of the icy veil; winter in Montreal this year has been uniquely frigid. It’s still cold out, but the warmth of the sun on my skin is doing wonders for my mood. Days of gloom and doom are cut with sunny mornings like these and I find myself hovering in a mental state between sheer excitement for summer and pleasant acceptance of the current weather. It’s not exactly spring right now, it's that time between spring and winter where the weather and my breath hangs in the air.

***

I oscillate between stagnation and untapped energy. I think to myself, wow what great weather and it's only 35 degrees Fahrenheit. The mounds of snow and ice melt on the sidewalk and even the threat of wind doesn’t seem so menacing. Though I relish in spring, I hate this in-between time. The weather changes with the drop of the dime and I feel so tired from a winter spent running around. If the thaw promises exhaustion what will spring bring?

***

I don’t have very many words or thoughts to share, I fear. I’ve been reading and rereading a lot of the writing that I’ve been working on so far this year and it’s quite dismal. I don’t really feel dismal, though the clouds have covered the sun now and I write to you with a gray shadow cast over my bedroom. Warmth awaits me, a warm potluck dinner with friends, and a bundled up dash to the grocery store to grab my contributions. Still, I think now, presently, I just feel off. Out of touch with myself and like all my futile scramblings to grasp onto who I thought I was are failing. And maybe that’s for the better. A season of hibernation is sure to yield some sort of change, right? If you break from your winter chrysalis and find that just one thing is different from when you wrapped yourself in, isn’t that worth something? Still, I want to resist the constant nagging inclination within me that is always seeking something new and different. I want to be okay with toying with the same three motifs in all my writing or eating the same food for dinner 3 nights in a row (which for me was beef tacos) or listening to the same album that I cried to when I was 14, now when I’m 20. Though I feel like this winter I strived for a change, an improvement in myself, I don’t want it anymore.

Though I don’t want to be resistant to change (natural, “normal” change at least), I want to cultivate a certain comfortable-ness with myself, within myself. Yes, I want to feel comfortable with myself, within myself. I want to love the idea of me, me as Evelyn the multifaceted person, and to accept and consider all facets of that person to be equally a part of me. I can’t only accept the parts of myself that wake up early everyday and love cute jewelry, I have to also accept the parts of myself that procrastinate till I can’t anymore and who aren't good with planning. Those are things that I wasn’t able to solve in one winter, and that can (maybe) be changed with great time and care. Away with all the unrealistic expectations that I put on myself this winter as I usher in this long awaited spring. When I emerge from my winter chrysalis I come to you all like a humble swan, silent and beautiful and ready to learn. For me, the antidote to expecting unrealistic change of oneself is meeting yourself where you are. Where are you right now?


Unsolicited advice

02/22/25– return to an album that you listened to when you were 14 and reminisce with me

02/27/25– find a small way to show up for a friend today :) maybe bring them a coffee or offer a massage

03/04/25– celebrate something small! I find that taking even a small amount of time to pat myself on the back makes me feel even more special

03/08/25– sit and stare at the wall for 10 minutes and write down all your revelations (or go about your day if you had none)