lucybychoice
06-26-2025
I'm writing this aboard the afternoon greyhound to New York City which I never take, I usually only take the night, and I discovered a new Agnes Obel song and just like every Agnes Obel song I know it is wonderful.
I've gotten into the habit of choosing topics to write about for this blog, a new topic each piece, to explore and discuss. But today I'm in a mood and I'm on the day bus to New York listening to Agnes Obel and I don't want to do that.
The song is Fuel to Fire and I got it from The Last of Us which I had started watching a year or so ago and never finished but to which I wanted to give another chance. You're welcome to listen along.
I'm going home to an empty house and it breaks my heart. My family is at my cousin's wedding, I'm the only one missing it, and the house in New York is empty, and my heart broken. I was on a cooldown jog yesterday and got really emotional thinking about my mom, and remembered about those earrings she got me once and it took me a good month to wear them because we'd just fought and I was mad at her. And eventually I did wear them a lot for a long time but gradually stopped and now I don't know where they are.
The bus just stopped in Plattsburgh, NY. Now I'm listening to The Curse (still Agnes Obel).
I've been having weird dreams all involving scams and plots and violence to a certain extent. I'm not sure what they mean and don't really remember them. I think I've been quite scared lately. An alternative is that I haven't been scared in a while. My memory used to be really good but now it's really bad, I can't remember my dreams and whether or not I've been scared recently, or if I packed my toothbrush or if I said bad things to people I love. What I can remember all of a sudden is I've said all this here before. I apologize for the repetition.
Run Cried the Crawling. We're leaving Plattsburgh. I have nothing more to say at the moment. Maybe as we get closer to the city.
—
It's later. We're crossing the Adirondacks and I'm reading a book about running I've read many times before. I first read the book in high school and some 6 years or so later the feelings remain, the pictures of my own trails and teammates and little running spikes and low resting heart rate all stuck in my head. And I don't have an Olympic silver medal and can reasonably assume I'll never get one but in the book the main character feels lost and ends up running a lot to make up for that and in that sense we are quite similar. I'm on a bus to New York City to run twelve and a half silly laps of some field on a red rubber surface to chase a dozen or so seconds that I couldn't get last month, and I look out the windows and the trees are quite green, my legs heavy, my head empty, my heart quite full at the thought of lining up and hearing the crack of the gun before letting all hell break loose in every muscle fiber in my legs. I've paused my music and I take breaks from reading to look out the window. We've got another four hours or so to go. I'm sure I'll have more to say till then.
—
It's later again. I'm putting my book down because it's getting dark. The day has been gloomy and eternal which is just the kind of weather I like. I remember this one time I went to visit my cousin in England, he was at Oxford, and I remember stepping off the bus and the sky was all grey and I knew I was in the right place. Nothing more charming than a risk of rain. More and more I see myself spending my life in Scotland. I'm too young to think about all that. I'm thinking about it anyway.
I'm listening to Waiting Around to Die by The Be Good Tanyas and I feel like I'm in a movie which is a familiar feeling and maybe it would be concerning to someone else but it's good news to me, it means I'm finding myself again.
Soon the city lights greet me, the rumble of the subway, the slice shop on the corner of 7th ave and 9th st. Soon the leather seats in the living room, the box with the light inside it, the cow rug, the candles. Nothing much to it: recurrence, familiarity, I've written about those before.
That's all I have to say on that.
lucybychoice