lucybychoice
02-27-2025
I’m sure everyone reading this knows Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. I’m starting the first few words of this to it. It’s entry no. 2, and I still don’t know how to write a blog post.
I got a notification from the New York Times earlier today informing me that Iowa was rolling back protections against discrimination on the basis of gender identity. I’ve always been a bit of a doomscroller, but still the past month has been quite hard. Everyday is more hate, more erasure, more violence. As my mom would say in french, we have to squeeze our elbows together, we have to stick together.
Also, it snowed again. And the temperature is going back down, again. I said two weeks ago that things repeat, and I am proven right. I hike to McIntyre Medical Center three times a week still, I run outside again, I listen to the same songs. I wrote – sorry, changing the subject – I wrote a text about it a while back. Here it is, if curious:
Songs on repeat
I listen to songs on repeat. When have I not? It is part of me. I call the same friends to lean my head on as I fall asleep, and people care, and I wish I didn’t but I do.
My blood is on a wall in Spain; on a dirt trail in Virginia; in the back of my throat on Randall’s island, pulsing through my heart only for you. My heart beats for you—and I don’t know you.
I know me. I listen to songs on repeat. I write half asleep. I sit by windows. I like when it rains because it’s like Oregon. I remember — not all but most. I have no reflection, I cannot see me. I cannot see you. I am a puzzle piece, you are the football of a foosball game, and we get along well.
There are no words to describe me but I am not special. Tonight I do not cry. Instead I lose balance like every time I hug.
What do I say next ? What do I want to say ? I don’t know. I don’t know.
It doesn’t mean much, and it’s not very good. I write better when I am sad, and I haven’t been that sad lately. I think a big part of me is waiting for it to come back. Because, well, recurrence.
Today’s word has similar connotations: familiarity. I recognize the faces in my classes, new songs remind me of others. And the new friends I make, I feel like I’ve known them forever. And even though I still can’t write a blog post it’s not too foreign to me now. Familiarity is more positive than recurrence, I think, it’s nice and good.
It snowed again today, it snowed a lot, everything was quiet and the ground was soft. I had a nice run. I covered 12.43 kilometers in 58 and a half minutes, approximately 57 of those with a dear dear friend, and I only complained a little bit, and not about my dear dear friend, even though I’ve done that in the past, because you’re meant to fight with friends sometimes, just not too much.
I will end with a second word of the day, because it’s my blog and I can. Actually, maybe more a phrase: I know nothing. That’s how I ended my piece on songs on repeat, and it’s something I said a lot this week, so I think it’s fitting. I don’t know so much so often; really I know nothing. And you can choose to look at it bleakly, as if I’m in the dark, but I won’t, because that’s not quite right, I just have a lot to learn, and that is so, so exciting.
lucybychoice